The Unseen Stressor: Why Diabetes Complicates Relationships

By Eliot LeBow LCSW, CDCES

 

It’s a startling statistic: couples where one partner has diabetes face a divorce rate two to three times higher than the general population. Why does this chronic illness place such a profound strain on a relationship? Is it the emotional toll on the partner without diabetes, perhaps leading to subconscious bias or caregiver fatigue? Is it the pervasive feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood that a person with diabetes often experiences? Or is it simply a series of miscommunications that erode the foundation of the partnership?

 

The truth is, it's all of the above and more. The reasons are as complex and unique as each couple themselves.

 

Having lived with type 1 diabetes for 40 years, I’ve navigated numerous relationships, each beautiful and challenging in its own way. While not every relationship ended because of my condition, diabetes was always an influential, and often negative, presence. It was the uninvited guest that impacted plans, moods, and intimacy. Some partners minimized the daily reality of my illness, unable to grasp its relentless demands. Others acknowledged it but could never fully comprehend the constant mental and physical energy required to manage this complex disease.

 

Over the past decade, as I’ve worked with clients living with diabetes, I’ve seen these patterns repeat. From the newly diagnosed to the long-term veterans, a common thread emerges: when a relationship struggles, diabetes is almost always part of the equation.

 

The "It's Going to Be Alright" Problem

I vividly recall a couples session from a few years ago. My client, John, was expressing his frustration and despair. "When I get really down about having diabetes," he said, "Martha tries to help me."

 

His wife, Martha, quickly added, "I do! I tell him that it's going to be alright."

 

Her intention was pure love and support. But for John, her words landed differently. Was her phrase supportive, or was it dismissive? As we explored this, it became clear that what she meant as reassurance, he received as an invalidation of his current struggle. This simple, repeated exchange had become a constant source of frustration, creating a subtle but significant emotional distance between them.

 

For someone living with the daily grind of diabetes, the concept of things being "alright" can feel hollow. "Alright" doesn't necessarily mean happy or content; it often just means stable. And the path to stability can feel profoundly unfair. For instance, it's one thing to choose to take a break from work. It's another entirely to be forced to stop everything because of a sudden and debilitating low blood sugar. This is where feelings of resentment and unfairness can fester, especially when we compare our lives to those who don't carry this burden.

 

Bridging the Empathy Gap

This communication chasm is often the primary reason relationships falter. With an issue as pervasive as diabetes, clear, empathetic communication isn't just helpful—it's critical for survival. The foundation of this communication must be a mutual acceptance of a fundamental truth: the partner without diabetes will never truly know what it’s like to live with it, and the person with diabetes will never truly know what it's like to watch a loved one manage it from the sidelines.

 

Think of it this way: as a man, I will never experience childbirth. I can be an incredibly supportive partner during labor—I can offer comfort, follow instructions, and be present for the entire process. But I will never feel the physical reality of it. Empathy does not require identical experience. Just as a partner without diabetes cannot fully grasp the exhaustion of a sleepless night spent correcting blood sugars, they can still learn how to provide meaningful support. The key is for the person with diabetes to articulate their needs, and for their partner to be willing to listen and learn.

 

Diabetes is a complicated illness that makes relationships even more so. Sometimes, simply informing your partner about the facts of the disease isn't enough. When you're stuck in a cycle of miscommunication and misunderstanding, an objective third party can help translate, educate, and guide you toward healthier patterns. Skills like active listening—where you listen to understand, not just to reply—and genuine empathy can be learned. These skills will prove invaluable not only in your relationship but in every aspect of your life.

 

If you and your partner are struggling to navigate the complexities of life with diabetes, please know that you are not alone and that help is available.

 

To learn how to improve communication and strengthen your relationship, please reach out to my practice at (917) 272-4829. I specialize in helping couples navigate the unique challenges that chronic illness can bring. Book a FREE consultation here: https://www.timetrade.com/book/6QYC1.

 

My Bio

Eliot LeBow is a diabetes-focused psychotherapist who offers a rare and invaluable perspective on the intersection of diabetes and interpersonal dynamics. Combining over a decade of professional counseling experience with 40 years of firsthand experience living with Type 1 diabetes, he provides uniquely empathetic and practical guidance. From his practice in New York, he specializes in helping couples and individuals develop crucial communication skills to navigate the often-unseen challenges that a chronic condition brings to a partnership, fostering resilience and a deeper connection.

 

Medical Disclaimer:

All the advice included in this blog is therapeutic in nature and should not be considered medical advice. Before making any changes to your diabetes maintenance program, please consult with your primary physician or endocrinologist.

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